get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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