Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
