come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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