I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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