at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
