It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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