Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
