u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
