Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
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i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
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You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
He? As in you personified your dick?
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.