i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.