my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
