I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Only a mothe r could love this liver
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
