i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
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