who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
