he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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