so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Someone came in the potted fern
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Randomize
