The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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