there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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