Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Randomize
