dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
