Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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