I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I need a burrito and a hug.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
