I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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