Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
