Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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