I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Randomize
