Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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