We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
