I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
You ruined the universe
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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