i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
