clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
