I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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