Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
