The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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