the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
