What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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