and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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