will power is for people who don't want to get laid
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
