apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
