Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Someone came in the potted fern
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Randomize
