I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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