Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Randomize
