Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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