Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
