My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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