Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
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