What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
