Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
