Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Randomize
