Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
