Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
