my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
