non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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