You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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