Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
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The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
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I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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