yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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