Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
